After reading some of the blogs about my classmates' suffering, I'm horrified at what these people have experienced, and how all of that suffering has been masked by their composure in class, but hidden behind everyone's untelling faces is a story waiting to be told. Admittedly, I feel like I haven't suffered much in my 18 years compared to others, but I do have a few tales. Like many people, I've experienced the death of a pet. I had a bird who went blind and died, a guinea pig who had to have an eye removed and then died, and my most traumatic death of my dalmation named Sally. Sally's death was very sudden and unexpected. She was 11 years old, and full of energy. She could chase her tennis ball without stopping for what seemed like hours on end. However, a couple summers ago, within a few days her back legs began to give out, and she had a hard time chasing her ball. Soon, she was unable to walk. We lifted her in the back of our suburban, took her to the vet, and found out that she had cancer. The cancer was too far along to be cured. We took her home and those next few days were terrible. She could barely move, so she spent most of the time on the floor of our house with either me, my sister, mom or dad beside her. Most of the time, we would lay beside her, stroking her. The nights were the worst. She'd wake up in the middle of the night yelping and whining for hours, and our whole family got little sleep. Finally, the morning of the 4th of July, we called the vet to our house and put Sally to sleep on the living room floor ( I watched the life drain out of her eyes as her head lay in my lap), and buried her with her tennis ball in the backyard.

Another sad story is when at age 18, my cousin got in a head-on car wreck with a semi. Both her and the little boy she was babysitting at the time died on impact. I've never been to a sadder funeral. Her mother didn't even come to the funeral because she was a meth dealer, and ended up going to jail for meth a few months later.

A few years ago, my family and I went to see my great-grandma in her coffin for the viewing at the funeral home. It was the first time I've ever seen my uncles and dad cry.

Another time that was traumatic was when my dad was sick with thyroid disease, and it was discovered and treated just in time- only a few days or weeks before he would've died in his sleep.

Also, I've seen things that affect the people around me and my community. A month before graduation, a classmate of mine attempted suicide, and I've never seen my whole senior class so sad and quiet at the news. Freshman year in high school, two senior boys were killed in a car crash on 19th, and it was another one of the first times I've seen my whole school community in such a dismal mood. Something else I've noticed is that we always seem to remember in detail specific moments when tragedy occurs. For example, I believe many of us know exactly what they were doing when they found out about 9/11. Even though I was only in 5th grade, I can tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing. no matter how tragic these moments are, the undoubtedly stick with us and we can reflect on them, learn from them, and become a better person because of them.

Happily Never After

On the topic of the tragic sense of life, I see a comparison from what we learned earlier in the year. When we were talking about the idea of "happily ever after" we concluded that this really isn't how the story ends. In fact, the real ending is much more dismal......we all die. All life ends in an undeniable, inescabable death. Depressing, isn't it? So if our lives end in death, what is the point of living? In class, professor Sexson mentioned the example of fruit flies, who only live for 24 hours. If I only had 24 hours left to live, I don't know what I would do. Surely, I'd speed up the pace and make sure I did as many worthwhile things as possible. Mainly, I think I'd spend time with the people I love and make sure that they know how much they mean to me. I might take a few chances, take greater risks, follow all of my instincts and not hold anything back. Overall, I would "seize the day". Even though it never really happens and we take the value of a day for granted, I believe we should live each day as if it were our last and make every day memorable somehow.

Something else I've noticed in my life is how many "almosts" we experience in our lifetime- things that if they would've happened, would have been life-changing and devastating. I've had my fair share of almosts. I'm sure I've forgotten alot of them because since they didn't turn into something big, they lost their importance. Surely, they pale in comparison to others, but I have experienced them. My dad "almost" died from thyroid disease at age 40, I "almost" jumped from a 30 foot bridge and landed on a jet ski (luckily I missed by a couple of feet at most), my uncle was "almost" paralyzed, and many more. I can't help but think how drastically my life would be different if these "almosts" had come true, and at the same time I'm extremely thankful for escaping the tragic "what might have beens".

The Tragic Sense of Life

"All is suffering, all is fleeting."



Monday in class we discussed the idea of this phrase. This is a very dismal and gloomy outlook on life. But is all life really suffering? In my opinion, a large part of our lives can be gloomy and without a doubt, we will all experience great suffering. Just by looking at someone, you can't really tell what they've been through. Sure, you might be able to conclude their current mood, but without knowing their life story, there's no way to know how much suffering they've experienced. However, it's inevitable if you asked, they'd have many tales of woe and suffering. But then again, don't we all? In my opinion, sometimes when something devastating happens to us, we can think that we are the only person in the world who something this tragic has happened to- but that is not the case. At the same time as your suffering, someone could be diagnosed with cancer, a young child's pet could die, and throughout the world thousands upon thousands could be going hungry. Suffering is occuring all day, every day, and sadly, we can never completely escape it.



Also, I think it's easy for people to judge others based on suffering. People can compare their level of suffering to others' and judge them based on that fact. People often think, "You can never understand what I've been through" when in reality, everyone has suffered.



However, out of all of this suffering can come happiness. This goes along with the phrase, "If you've never suffered , you can never be truly happy." To an extent. I believe this is true. If you've never been really gloomy, it can be much more difficult to appreciate the happy moments. If you're happy all the time, you'll never really know how happiness can truly feel. I've realized after a great deal of suffering, I learn to appreciate everyone and everything much more. Even a smile from a stranger passing by is more appreciated, and I learn to love the small things in life. If you look at a typical day, much of our life is spent alone doing common, boring things. It's the happy, more rare moments that we hold on and make life worth living.

Taste of the Ocean

Something interesting that came up in class yesterday was yet again the issue of traveling versus reading. Heather brought up the idea that unless you've actually experienced being by the ocean and tasting the salt in the air, you can never really imagine what this experience is like. The class had various opinions on this topic, some saying that it's possible and others not. I also have mixed views on the subject. In some way, I agree with Heather. I've been to the ocean, and experienced the taste and texture of the salty ocean air. It's a unique experience, and if I hadn't experienced it before, I think it might be hard to replicate in words. Some things are too unique to be described in words. However, on the other hand, there's a part of me that believes that books can describe things in such amazing detail that experience alone cannot. Some people don't have the opportunity to travel and experience everything, so books are the only way they can identify with those experiences. No doubt the experience they get by reading will be different from the real thing, but it can be just as powerful. It seems to me like reading and using your imagination to develop the experience takes more effort and more creativity than just experiencing it alone. You have to imagine and go into your own world and develop your own perception of something that will surely be unlike anything anyone else has imagined. So, it can actually be more rewarding.

The Brothers Karamazov

Reading the Brothers Karamazov has been quite and experience. Like most of the people in the class, I have never read a book this long. I think the closest I have been to reading a book this long is the last Harry Potter book. Still, there is not comparison between the two. Harry Potter was an entertaining and easy read. I read it non-stop for about four days, barely able to put it down. The Brothers Karamazov was...different. I can't even remember how long I've been reading it, but it's certainly been longer than four days. Like most people, I had trouble with concentrating on the book as a whole for so long and remembering all the parts when I started reading the book again. What I found was that every time I picked up the book, I found myself understanding the small, sub-stories that the author wrote about, but had a difficult time connecting how the specific thing I was reading applied to the story as a whole. So, sometimes it felt as if I was reading individual stories instead of a complete book, but I guess that is why it is so hard to read a book of this size. In fact, when I first heard we were going to read the Brothers Karamazov and saw it at Barnes and Noble, I thought for sure that there was no way out teacher would make us read the entire book. However, reading it really does give you a strong feeling of accomplishment, for doing something that not many people my age have done.

Sparknotes vs. the real thing

Reading the sparknotes version of the Brothers Karamazov instead of the real thing is like:

-Watching the Harry Potter movies instead of reading the books.

-Not getting any presents for your birthday.

-working really hard and only getting paid minimum wage.

-having to wear crutches to prom.

-taking a cold shower.

-getting the flu the day before you're wedding.

Travel vs. Books

In class, Prof. Sexson has often mentioned the debate between which is more valuable, traveling to place to learn about them or reading about places. Which is better? Which will be more influential on your life? Is one better than the other?

For me personally, I have mixed views on the topic. I think a mixture of both would be ideal. In my lifetime, I have never travelled out of the country. I've been to California, Texas, Florida, and a few states near Montana, but never out of the country. I have definitely read more than I have travelled, and I do believe that reading is an excellent way to take yourself to a completely different world. There are some books that I am intrigued by so much that all I want to do is read the book. It's as if the book is my reality and everything else is simply passing the time until I can read the book again. For me, this doesn't happen all the time, but only if I find the right book.

Despite the fact that books have enriched my life, I still have the strong urge to travel and experience a completely different culture. You can read about experiences or customs in books, but you'll never be able to feel what it's like until you have actually experienced it. Since I have never really travelled, the idea of other places like Europe is something almost mystical and far away from my reach. I can read about and dream about places, but somehow that's not completely enough for me. I know the places will be different from what I have read and imagined, but that is just part of the experience. So, I think that reading about a place and then travelling to that place and comparing your experiences is best. Reading and travelling are two unique experiences.

In the fall, I'm going to Spain for the school year. I've read about the city where I'm going and looked at pictures, but I know nothing I read or see in photos will compare to what it feels like to be there and experience it for myself. However, if I get a grasp on the basics of the city by reading, it won't be so much of a shock. All in all, I believe that travelling is a great way to enrich yourself, but reading is also a way to learn if you don't have as many opportunities to travel.

Final Sonnet

So I looked over and edited my sonnet for this final draft. It turns out that I only changed a few words and it is very similar to the original, but I think that I like it this way.

How blessed I am to have you in my life
The sight of you compels my soul to shine
I know this life will be met with no strife
If I may hold you close and call you mine

The way I feel when you look in my eyes
You're gaze revealin all I need to know
My love for you it cannot be disguised
And 'til the end my love for you I'll show

No matter if we're close or far apart
I'll keep you in my memory mile by mile
With you, at home will always be my heart
enraptured by your warm and splendid smile

And if there's one thing I know to be true
I'll always love the thought of me and you

Found Poem

I found the inspiration for my poem on the back of a Scope mouthwash bottle. The original writing was "Scope kills millions of bad breath germs. Its cool tingle gets your breath clean and fresh. Use scope for the confidence to get closer. Scope. Feel the tingle."

Get closer
Get closer
Bad breath
kills millions

Get clean
Get clean
Kill germs
scope germs

Get confidence
Get confidence
Use millions and feel
feel the tingle

Get cool
Get cool
Its fresh
for millions

Fresh breath
Clean, cool
Get closer
Get closer

Sonnet Draft

Here's my rough draft of the sonnet I wrote to my boyfriend of 1 year. I know some things need to be changed around, but here's what I have so far:

How blessed I am to have you in my life
Just seeing you causes my soul to shine
I know my life will be met with no strife
As long as I hold you close and call you mine

The way I feel when you look in my eyes
You're gaze revealing all I need to know
My love for you it cannot be disguised
And 'til the end my love for you I'll show

No matter if we're close or far apart
I'll keep you in my memory all the while
With you, at home will always be my heart
enraptured by your warm and splendid smile

And If there's one thing I know to be true
I'll always love the thought of me and you

So that's what I have so far. Feel free to give suggestions :)

Reflections

First of all I must mention that Garrett's blog was hilarious! It made class very enjoyable on Wednesday, and it would be a shame if you had missed it.

When going through Chekhov's version of "The Lady with the Pet Dog", I learned how we are supposed to read and pay attention the the little details. I have a tendency to look at a story as a whole rather than the individual details, and from this class I have learned how the individual details can show important things about the story. It was especially interesting to look at how Chekhov used words to portray ideas about females, such as how the "Lace on their lingerie reminded him of scales."

Next, we learned about sonnets. I love reading poetry. Sometimes a poem clicks with me and I can identify with it, while other times I have absolutely no idea what the poem is talking about and I have to break it apart and examine it closer to interpret it. In class, we learned about how four lines are called a quatraine. their are 14 lines in total, which means there are 3 quatrains and a couplet at the end. I haven't written my sonnet to my significant other yet, but it should be an interesting experience seeing his reaction when I give it to him.

I was looking through some famous sonnets, and I found many by Shakespeare and also this one by Elizabeth Barrett Browning that I instantly recognized.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
my soul can reach when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
most quiet need, by sun and candle-light
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
with my lost saints,--I love thee with the breath,
smiles, tears, of all my life!--and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Sonnet

I googled the term sonnet and this is what I found on Wikipedia:

"The sonnet is one of the poetic forms that can be found in lyric poetry from Europe. The term "sonnet" derives from the Occitan word sonet and the Italian word sonetto, both meaning "little song" or "little sound". By the thirteenth century, it had come to signify a poem of fourteen lines that follows a strict rhyme scheme and specific structure. The conventions associated with the sonnet have evolved over its history. The writers of sonnets are sometimes referred to as "sonneteers," although the term can be used derisively. One of the best-known sonnet writers is William Shakespeare, who wrote 154 of them (not including those that appear in his plays). A Shakespearean, or English, sonnet consists of 14 lines, each line containing ten syllables and written in iambic pentameter, in which a pattern of an unemphasized syllable followed by an emphasized syllable is repeated five times. The rhyme scheme in a Shakespearean sonnet is a-b-a-b, c-d-c-d, e-f-e-f, g-g; the last two lines are a rhyming couplet."

Whenever I think of sonnets, Shakespeare is the first person to come to mind. For this class, we have to write a sonnet and send it to the object of our affection, which I think sounds like alot of fun! I'll have to look through some examples of sonnets and get working on writing my own soon :)

Epiphany

In Chekhov's story The Lady with the Pet Dog. Professor Sexson told us to read the story and search for the word "sturgeon" and how it relates to an epiphany. I've read the story once already, and discovered that the main character comes to love for the first time. Nevertheless, I searched through the story again trying to find the word and how it relates to an epiphany. In the text, thw word appears in this conversation:
One evening, coming out of the physicians' club with an official with whom he had been playing cards, he could not resist saying:
"If you only knew what a fascinating woman I became acquainted with at Yalta!"
The official got into his sledge and was driving away, but turned suddenly and shouted:
"Dmitry Dmitrich!"
"What is it?"
"You were right this evening: the sturgeon was a bit high."
These words, so commonplace, for some reason moved Gurov to indignation, and struck him as degrading and unclean. What savage manners, what mugs! What stupid nights, what dull, humdrum days! Frenzied gambling, gluttony, drunkenness, continual talk always about the same thing! Futile pursuits and conversations always about the same topics take up the better part of one's time, the better part of one's strength, and in the end there is left a life clipped and wingless, an absurd mess, and there is no escaping or getting away from it- just as though one were in a madhouse or a prison.

This passage does indeed show an epiphany in Gurov. It shows that his opinion on women and on Anna Sergeyevna in particular has changed dramatically. He has finally fallen in true love. In the passage, it shows that he had the intense urge to talk about Anna, and speak about how wonderful she is. It seems to be a topic of great importance to him. However, that same enthusiasm about the subject is not shared by the official. Instead of staying on the topic of Anna, he speaks about spoiled fish, and this upsets Gurov greatly. It's probably the thought of his love being associated with something so unappealing and the topic being disregarded that upset him so much. Even though the official likely meant nothing by it and the words were common, they still had such a strong effect on Gurov, which shows his intense love for Anna, which is an epiphany for Gurov in the story. This happens in people's everyday lives as well. One simple word can cause a person to become extremely upset, even if the person talking meant no harm by it. Sometimes we bottle our feelings up so much that just the slightest thing can cause us to burst and show how we truly feel.